blonde everley

there is a little child across the sidewalk. i can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl, but i know she is everley. i’m trying to reach the child, but i can’t. it’s like i’m looking through a lens.

suddenly the lens turns to me and i am visibly upset and teary with my scruffy face and dirty blond hair.

-september, again

raccoon kiedis and the rosy mouth

we are in a big house, lovely and cluttered, and we are close but there are clouds of distance between us. i throw a box of macaroni and cheese across the room at kathy’s face. it falls and she picks it up, along with the bandaids i threw at her last time that are still all over the fucking floor. she gathers them and sticks them in the secret envelope i thought only i knew about.

marie and i are waiting. we go downstairs and i mistake kiedis for a raccoon. we make a big deal about it. nicole laughs and makes some odd sex joke. she must be drinking…

we drive to my mother, and she’s at disneyland. she wants to buy us tickets, but carol keeps saying she had a dream about natalie and it’s distracting my mom. she keeps contradicting carol, saying she wouldn’t have a dream about it if it were real. i keep looking away from them both and when i look back, there is this skinny blond boy in marie’s party dress who i guess is now my mother.

it’s my turn in line at disneyland finally, and they scan my body obsessively. they can sense i have drugs on me, they say in their faces. they take the gum out of my mouth and they look for weapons in there, too. it takes a few tries. they don’t want to open my lips up for fear of my teeth being all gross from food and gum, but when they finally open my mouth, handfuls of roses fall out.

-september, again

black man kidnapping

a black man has kidnapped me. i wake up in marie’s car and he’s driving. i scream, “who the fuck are you?!” i reach for my phone and call 9-1-1.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

“i’m being kidnapped and he’s driving and i’m in the backseat!”

“jump out!”

i open the door to jump out and he grabs my hair to pull me back in.

-september, again

dreadlocked kiedis

i am moving out of marie’s house. i’m with valerie, but in marie’s car. jasmine and kiedis, along with another stray, are following us as we drive down the street.

i try not to look out the rearview mirror, but when i do, i see dreadlocked kiedis and i slam on the breaks. i open my door and she bounds toward me. i pick her up and cry in her dreadlocked fur. when i look up, i see the stray dog looks a lot like un-dreadlocked kiedis. i drop the dreadlocked dog and stare at both of them.

“KIEDIS!” i yell.

the dreadlocked kiedis looks up and pants, while the other one doesn’t even take interest. i notice the stray doesn’t have as many colors as kiedis does.

i take kiedis with me.

-september, again

the bathroom at val’s party

my dad is with us at valerie’s party. he is offering his cocaine where the sugar for the vodka is in the kitchen in the hall. he tells me to take my lines. “okay,” i say.

i’m so fucked up on cocaine and vodka that i piss in front of valerie. she laughs because i’m sitting down on the toilet and i’m hurrying to cover my exposed self. she sees my tattoo and she looks betrayed as she whispers to me, “hey…that doesn’t say noah…”

-september, again

the woman who stopped him in the driveway

marie and i are going to val’s party
but it isn’t her party, it’s mine. we
are all dressed up and we agree
to get married at the party. i call
up my dad and tell him i might get
married tomorrow, so this is the
formal invite. he doesn’t answer.
i’m scared to talk to nana since i
missed her birthday. marie and i
get in a huge fight about the way
she is. i find three pairs of her
jewelry. all of them are missing
jewels. i am so pissed, i yell at
her and hide them and tell her
she will never be good enough
for me. my mom yells at her, too.
she tells her to just marry me
since i’m just a fucking stubborn
asshole little boy and that i’m too
cute for my own good. that’s my
problem. that i’m too cute. why
doesn’t she realize that already?
we are part of this show. we
have been on reality tv this
whole time and uncle dave is
threatened. he changed his
identity. he says his name is ron
duran and that’s how it has to be
i have found about four or six
pictures of him showing he’s
married and in love with the
woman who stopped him in the
driveway. she is his ex wife and
we aren’t supposed to know. he
looks at her and says, “it’s been
a while, huh? look at how you
left me.” but things get big. he
appears too much. he plays the
guitar. he speculates obama and
the way he sings. two little old
ladies tell us that they like that
he’s a lighter black. uncle dave
looks at us, half my dad, half her
uncle. he wears a white concert
shirt and says, “yes, that’s
where i’m from.” a man in the
crowd recognizes him. he thanks
him for something he had
helped him with a long time ago.
now he is named trevor, with
james’s smell and jaw and red
swastikas glow in his pupils.
and he tries to tell me that he
wants to fuck me and that it is
going to happen whether i like
it or not.

-september, again

not heard

in the pool, there is a big projection screen. cole and marie are in there; cole in a bikini bottom and nothing else. marie is wearing nothing, holding him and splashing him around.

now we are in the den of my childhood, with channel 33 on. they are both just laying there. i’m bashing the x files on tv, but they can’t hear me. i scream and try to get them to hear me, but i’m just not heard.

-september, again

surrounded by his raisin boxes

in a dark room with yellow light, james is sliding his hands from my hips to my ribcage, surrounded by his raisin boxes, telling me why i’m perfect and how better i am than the first two.

-september, again

abandoning val for meth

val and i are in arizona, and i am driving gilbert’s truck with marie’s car keys. i’m driving to the starbucks in blythe. when we get there, i don’t know what to order, so i order val’s drink for her.

but then i’m suddenly overwhelmed with this unbearable craving for meth. i turn and i start to run. the truck is parked in the middle of a green, grassy field and i run full speed toward it. val knows i’m thinking of abandoning her so i can go pick up. she runs faster than i’ve ever seen her run and she’s almost there as i climb into the truck and try to start it. she reaches the passenger door and flings it open and i sit in the driver’s seat and cry. i drop the keys.

she falls to the grassy floor and cries with me. she tells me to stop please, please, please. i tell her i love her so much, but this craving is bigger than anything i’ve ever experienced.

-september, again

blond man with the stuffed dogs

i’m in the hall that val was in. we’ve both been kidnapped and the blond man made us strip down. he is upset. we’re in san diego and he is taking us to this dusty blue shack. we make eye contact with each other, trying to communicate that we’re both prepared to call 9-1-1 as soon as we get up there. but we never get there.

he is obsessed with stuffed dogs. his truck is full of them. all of them have the name “james” on the collar.

-september, again

the dragon of death and the multiple births

blackout at SDSU. i have to run from everyone because i have a longboard. there is a big assembly and i can escape.

i pester the dragon in the cage in front of me. he looks like a demon. he is the demon of death in “all dogs go to heaven.” he starts pounding on the plexiglass, trying to scratch himself out. this fucker’s got opposable thumbs.

they know it’s me that is causing the dragon to react. sandra oh sees it’s me and guides me around the building. she warns me to keep quiet. her eyes are so honest.

i need to get to marie and i can’t get to her. she just had my babies in a pool at SDSU. i wasn’t there for their births and now i can feel they were sent to a hospital. i’m stuck here during a blackout.

time has lapsed and i see marie. i beg her to let me see them. to let me name one jude. she says, “okay.” she is so happy. she is so tired. i wish i could have been there.

then natalie portman comes out of nowhere, wheeled in in a wheelchair. she is carrying my twin sons, too.

now we are at val’s party and i am telling her that marie and i adopted everley back.

the party is in this heaven in the clouds where all the women are naked with ariel-type shell purses on their bodies, carrying their newborns with their vaginas as handles.

-september, again

tattoo mishap and ashcolyssa

my tattoo is peeling off. it’s peeling off. i can’t believe it. anxiety runs through my body. i begin scrubbing. it all comes off.

i march back to colorbomb and nikki and trevor are GONE. i hear a voice somewhere in the corner of the shop, “he’s being a pussy about his tattoo…go home…”

i go home. and ashley is there. but she is cole. he already had his surgery. i bought her three moleskine journals. i guess i have to give it to cole’s new body. i look at her through the mirror in marie’s car. now cole’s body is switched out for alyssa polland’s. ashley is still inside, though. she says she can’t do lacrosse in this new body. it’s too fat. she takes off her shirt and puts on a new blouse.

when she pulls it over her face, we are at the beach again.

-september, again